Good Grief

This has been such a long and exhausting two weeks. I've learned things about myself, and my family that I never knew. I've been north and south again and again with a cranky newborn and a sick 4 year old. I've learned new technology on my computer and dredged up photos that no one has looked at in decades. I reconnected with some siblings, and felt a rift with others. I watched my husband's family deal with their grief and loss over an aunt while feeling guilty because my tears were not for her. I've gained a fresh perspective on my state of being. l love my home, my family, my own identity.

I will always miss James. I've struggled with the thought that maybe I didn't love him as much as my other family members did, because I just never could let it all go and "cry it out." But in quiet moments - when no one is expecting anything of me - I see clearly how much I looked up to my biggest brother. I always thought he was the most impressive mind, the quickest witt, and the most dashing countenance. I loved him. I loved him without him ever really knowing how much. We used to play a mind game - everytime I saw him I would throw my arms around him and tell him I loved him. I knew it made him uncomfortable and I liked to watch him squirm. He would almost always answer with some avoidance, "okay" or "sounds good." But there were a few times, I remember them because they shocked me, when he actually answered with "I love you too."

I will always be grateful for that simple memory. We were not close in age, physical proximity, personality, hobbies, etc. But I loved and idolized James, and I hold to the fact that he loved me too. I'll say it one more time: "James, I love you!"

And with that, I want to quote a bit from a Dr. Suess book that has been stuck in my head. It answers the very profound question, "What now?"

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul.

On you will go

though your enemies prowl.

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.

And I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

So, on we go everyone... knowing better now how much love and pain affects each one of us. So make your love count for all it is worth.