Good Grief

This has been such a long and exhausting two weeks. I've learned things about myself, and my family that I never knew. I've been north and south again and again with a cranky newborn and a sick 4 year old. I've learned new technology on my computer and dredged up photos that no one has looked at in decades. I reconnected with some siblings, and felt a rift with others. I watched my husband's family deal with their grief and loss over an aunt while feeling guilty because my tears were not for her. I've gained a fresh perspective on my state of being. l love my home, my family, my own identity.

I will always miss James. I've struggled with the thought that maybe I didn't love him as much as my other family members did, because I just never could let it all go and "cry it out." But in quiet moments - when no one is expecting anything of me - I see clearly how much I looked up to my biggest brother. I always thought he was the most impressive mind, the quickest witt, and the most dashing countenance. I loved him. I loved him without him ever really knowing how much. We used to play a mind game - everytime I saw him I would throw my arms around him and tell him I loved him. I knew it made him uncomfortable and I liked to watch him squirm. He would almost always answer with some avoidance, "okay" or "sounds good." But there were a few times, I remember them because they shocked me, when he actually answered with "I love you too."

I will always be grateful for that simple memory. We were not close in age, physical proximity, personality, hobbies, etc. But I loved and idolized James, and I hold to the fact that he loved me too. I'll say it one more time: "James, I love you!"

And with that, I want to quote a bit from a Dr. Suess book that has been stuck in my head. It answers the very profound question, "What now?"

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul.

On you will go

though your enemies prowl.

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.

And I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

So, on we go everyone... knowing better now how much love and pain affects each one of us. So make your love count for all it is worth.

My Brother

James Lenard Jaussi passed away September 30, 2010. He was born in Salt Lake City, Utah September 9, 1969. He is survived by his father Clair John Jaussi, his mother Carolyn Shipley Jaussi, his sisters Heather Jaussi (Bruce), and Laura Jaussi (Barlow) and his brothers Jonathan Lyle Jaussi and Joseph Clair Jaussi. He is also survived by his grandmothers, Donna Shipley Peterson and Marilyn Jaussi. He is a graduate of Timpview High School. He served a 2 year LDS mission in the Nashville, Tennessee mission. He is also a graduate of Utah Valley University and William and Mary College of Law. We loved him dearly and we shall miss him sorely.
Funeral Services will be held Wednesday, October 6, 2010 at 11:00 am at the Provo Peak 7th Ward, 200 North 500 East, Provo, Utah. Friends may call on Tuesday, from 6:00 until 8:00 pm October 5, 2010 at Berg Mortuary of Provo, 185 East Center Street, Provo, Utah and Wednesday morning from 10:00 to 10:45 am at the church. Graveside Service and burial will be held at the Preston, Idaho Cemetery 1451 North 800 East, Preston, Idaho, following the services.

door knob hole

Andrew and the 100 year old house had a fight yesterday...I think the house won.

Mayfield Fishing

I caught this buet at 'Twin Lake'. The name is somewhat deceiving because there is actually only one lake, and the lake itself is quite small (I'm told there is a land bridge in the middle of the lake when it is low that gives rise to the 'Twin Lake' name). This is actually the closest fishing hole to our house (15 minutes) and is not known for stellar fishing. I have been several times and have caught a lot of fish ranging from 10" to 12". Last night I wasn't getting anything until this guy hit about 30 feet from the shore. He gave a great fight, jumping several times before I landed him. Final tally was a 2 lb 16" Rainbow. I've talked to several people today that say they have rarely seen a fish that big caught at Twin, and certainly not from the shore with a spinner. Again, this is from one of the worst fishing spots in Mayfield-- I love it!!

Caitlin smiles

Caitlin favored us with her first smiles about a week ago. Since then I've been trying to capture them on video but only succeeded today. What a great reward for the first two months of parenting!

Isn't he cute?!

Random snapshots sometimes come close to capturing just how uniquely adorable Andrew really is.

A good old truck

Mike and I both appreciate the virtues of a good truck. Unfortunately, along with leaving Canyon landscaping, we also had to leave behind the company truck. We had both gotten very used to the convenience of always having it, so when we came here one of our first priorities was to find a good old truck for our family. It didn't take long. We bought an 93 ford f-150 from our neighbor around the corner for a good price, and promptly planned a camping trip up Mayfield canyon. After getting lost a few times we found our way to Deep Lake. The truck got us there and back no problem, even with all our gear and Dad B and Daniel riding in the back. Now, if only the cigarette lighter worked we would have been in business because we all forgot matches and ended up eating cold hotdogs and smores. But we had a great time nonetheless, and are so glad to have a good truck for all our adventures.